#%$&

There has been a lack of posting due to an over-abundance of random crap in my life.

Let me catch you up:

1. My family has fallen victim to H1N1. I think SWINE flu is a rather nice way of putting it. 'Swine' only makes it sound dirty. It should be called 'Dirty Nasty Wild Boar Who Rolled Around In It's Own...' - Oh. What? This is a family blog? Never mind then. Let's just say that it was BAD.

2. Isaac learned the phrase 'you little bastard'. Again, I know this is a family blog, but I'm not going to paint a false picture of my life. 'You little bastard' is something that came out of his mouth and I feel obligated to blog about it. Proud? No. Curious? Of course. (Yes, grandparents and concerned citizens....we have disciplined him. Don't report us.)

3. Booger wiping is an epidemic that is sweeping the nation. My son has fallen ill of this and I find him indiscreetly wiping his nasty little boogers all over my pretty little clean (bahahaha) house. When I catch him in the act, he innocently waves his hands in front of himself and says "Never mind me, mom." This cute little line is also used when he finds himself being a smartass and knows he is about to be in BIG trouble - example: "Uh, I'm trying to watch TV MOTHER. GET OUT OF MY WAY, er.....never mind me, mom."

4. I thought for a good month or so my son wanted to be a 'bonfire' for Halloween. I was like WTH?! A friggin' BONFIRE?! Yeaaaaaah.....Isaac was saying vampire. I think back at all the times I was discussing how we could make him into a bonfire and he would just shake his head. Makes total sense now. He thinks his mother is an idiot and didn't have the heart to tell her.

We did, in fact, go on vacation. I do have pictures. Later. Promise.

My Sidekick. My Partner-In-Crime. My....'Take A Retarded Picture With Mom' Buddy.

I'd like to tell you that this was just a quick random picture. I'd like to say 'Hey, check out the funny picture of us I snapped yesterday'. But..................

No, I made my poor son take like 75 pictures until I didn't look like I was on crack. I get so super excited to be taking pictures with him that I get this face. No words describe it. My eyebrows go 4 inches higher on my face than humanly possible and my eyes look like I'm....special.

This was only successful picture. We had to look mean...for we were about to go get the bad guys hiding on the porch. I had to cut Isaac a deal - you pose for ridiculous pictures, I'll be Robin to your Batman.

I got the better end of the deal. Now that I look at the picture more closely.....we look like a momma platypus and a baby platypus. And yes that is spelled right. I just googled it.

Don't Make Me Put A Hit Out On You.

No big deal. I was cooking dinner tonight (grilled cheese and soup in case you were wondering) and I overhear a conversation between Isaac................and...........a tealight.

Isaac: 'What did you say? What did you say to me?!'
Tealight: .......................
Isaac: 'Imma give you one more chance to talk. Then yer done.'
Tealight: ....................................
Isaac: 'I don't want to do this but you give me no choice.'

Now tell me......what am I supposed to do here?! Discipline him or pay him off for protection?

Grandmaster Matthew and Dirty Coin.

Sounds like a new rap group, right? Oh, no. This is the product of something much greater.

Uncle Matt and Isaac have.....bonded. If you could call it that. When my brother moved back to Winfield, he started insisting Isaac address him at 'Master Matthew'. Matt would act like he couldn't hear a word Isaac was saying until he was properly addressed. Eventually 'Master Matthew' just wasn't enough....it turned into 'Grandmaster Matthew'. It is so stinkin' cute hearing Isaac say it in normal conversation.

So one day, Isaac was in the bath playing with his little Army guys. He was talking in little voices when I heard him say, 'Get over here, Dirty Coin!'. Of course I KNEW this would make one hell of a blog story so I asked what he said.

Me: 'Isaac.....did you just say Dirty Coin?'
Isaac: 'Yes, mom. Grandmaster Matthew calls me that.'
Me: 'Uh......?'
Dirty Coin: 'It cracks me up everytime.'
Me: 'Uh......?'

Heck no, it doesn't stop there. And again, the big reveal happens in the bathtime. My son apparently does his best work naked.

Dirty Coin: 'Mom?'
Me: 'Yes?'
Dirty Coin: 'Uncle Mat-er, I mean, Grandmaster Matthew calls me Zachary Wayne Quagmire. I think that is SO funny.'
Me: 'Uh.........?'
Zachary Wayne Quagmire: 'I'm not Dirty Coin anymore. I still think it's funny, but I really don't know if it's nice or not. It's not a bad word, is it?'.
Me: 'Uh...........................?'
ZWQ: 'He is just so silly. He said he's going to take out my kneecaps. But I told him I would jab him in the throat with my light saber. I would win.'
Me: (are you seeing the trend?) 'Uh......yes.'

So my phone rings at work this week.

Me: 'This is Lindsey.'
Grandmaster Matthew: 'Isaac is no more.'
Me: 'Uh.....?'
Grandmaster Matthew: 'A greater man has taken his place. His name is Isaac Falcon, ZK. He doesn't really like it, but we need to keep calling him that. That is who he is now.'
Me: 'Uh.......okay. What exactly is it that I am calling him.....?'
Grandmaster Matthew: 'Gah, Lindsey. Zombie Killer? He's taken out like six of them in Dad's living room this afternoon.'
Me: 'I'm....so................................proud.'

Never, ever, in my life am I left speechless. My brother continues to amaze me. I just asked Isaac what else he would like to include about Uncle Matt.

"He's really a weirdo and I'm not kidding. I sure love him, I'm not kidding there either."