The Day I Discovered Why My Purse Was So Heavy

My poor co-worker couldn't stop laughing.



I had an 'I'm-going-to-go-crazy-with-all-this-shit-in-my-purse' attack.

Sadly, I think I should be embarrased by this photo going public. Obviously, I am not. However, there is a slight sense of fear. My anti-anxiety medicine should not be so close to my pepper spray.....

It's an update, yo!

So I come to you asking for forgiveness and mercy. Basically, I suck. I have made a promise to myself and my laptop - I will be a more dedicated blogger. I have tons of pictures piling up, waiting to be blogged. I have a mental cache of witty quips from my child that are pleading to be released into the world wide web.

I'll start with my happy happy joy joy news! Isaac was released from the pediatric opthomalagist's care!!! The doctor feels that Isaac slightly droopy eyelid (we refer to this as his 'wonky eye'....with love, of course) is not interfering with his vision and he does not see it doing so in the future. We'll go to a normal eye doctor yearly now. Yesterday we had our final appointment and the poor little booger had to get his eyes dilated. His mother is a heinous biatch because she couldn't stop laughing.

Isaac: Mom, can I watch Phineas and Ferb on your iPod?

Me: Sure, bub. Here.

Isaac: What the...? It's blurry, mother! I'm sorry, this just isn't going to work.

[Isaac looks at Papa]

Isaac: AAARRRRGGGGG, Papa you are blurry when I look at you!!!!

Isaac: I have nothing to do but close my eyes and sleep now.

Nurse: Isaac?

Isaac: WHHHHAAAAAAAT?!

That boy was so stinkin' funny all afternoon.

A few more Isaac-isms to get you through the week:

"Dear Jesus, please be with my fami- pause. Mom, I need a drink."

"Isaac, look! It's snowing!"

[a very sleepy Isaac raises his head and screeches "It's FAAAAAKE!"]

"Mom, isn't my voice so cute?!"

He's just non-stop. There are so many more I need to write down. Kid cracks himself up.

In my last post I mentioned how awesome our Wii Mario game was. I retract anything positive I said about Mario and that damn Luigi. They are horrible people and pulling my son down into a deep dark place. It's a MARIO AND LUIGI ADDICTION. Drives. Me. Nuts.

Let's Kick It Old School

As I approach my middle age years (bahahahahaaaa), I have come to realize that they just don't make stuff the way they used to. Hmph. Insert old man grumpy face here. Isaac gets toys that fall apart on the way home from the store. Video games are all about killing, zombies, or killing zombies.
BUT...the gods of yesteryear heard me whining. Oh, yes, they did. Behold.....SUPERMARIO FOR THE WII!!!!!





I know, right?! This was a staple in my life for a good 5 years. I would walk to my best friend Melissa's house and play Mario and Tetris for hours. I sucked. Still do, but I'm having fun at being terrible. Melissa and her sister, Megan, rocked at it. Every single time I see Mario and Luigi I think of those happy times in their basement and it warms my heart! Now that I TYPE it, I sound crazy. Mario, a black haired Italian midget, makes me think of my best friend, a quiet blonde Swedish girl. One of those 'it's the thought that counts' kind of things.


I could not put into words how excited I was to get this damn video game. Isaac looked at me like I was nuts. It was then I realized that I was old. It was a 'back in my day, son' moment. OH. MY. GOSH. I have come to the point in my life where I am telling the 'I used to walk to school in the snow, uphill, both ways' stories.


Then I got to thinking about all the 'cool' things I did, wore, said, etc.,....let me tell you what - I was awesome, dude. Psych! Bahahahaha!!!

Exhibit A:





This must have been an off day, for I am not rocking the trademark 80's side ponytail I wore so frequently. Or the knot tied in the front of my shirt. However, my socks are slouched and my jeans are acid washed. Let's revel in the beauty of the too short pants while we're here. And, yes, thanks for noticing...those are black Keds.

Our Fraggle Rock, The Smurfs, David the Gnome, Hey Dude, and Saved By The Bell have been replaced by this generation's Sid the Science Kid, Spongebob Squarepants, Phineas and Ferb, iCarly, and Wizards of Waverly Place. I played with Matchbox cars that would put a 3" divot in my head when my brother would chuck it at me. Now? The thin plastic car loses a wheel when we pop it out of the package.

I feel like Earl Pitts (You know what makes me sick?! Listen up America!) - but I am not complaining, just observing. It's pretty cool growing up, watching things change. The Smurfs never had an episode about paying a mortgage or what to do when your son whips out willy talk at Wal-Mart (Mom! The hanger just hit me in mineweiner. It's said just like that - all one word). I miss my youth - the carefree days that were nothing but wondering what mom packed in my lunchbox. And yes, mom, I will pack the little notecards in Isaac's lunchbox, just like you did in mine. And where I cherised mine, Isaac (I blame T.V.) will turn around and trade it for two Bakugan cards and a fruit roll-up.

I leave you with this. No one, and I mean NO ONE, rocked leg warmers like I did. Screw Flashdance, I WAS AMAZING.

Oh, and I guess you can see Isaac in this post, too.

I'm A Brainiac, Brainiac....

Get it? You know the song? I'm a maaaaaniac, maniac....

Pathetic. I know.

But seriously. My sons ROCKS at anything computer related. He can find, do, and fix anything on our laptop. Educational games, photo editing, painting....all things my son can do to stimulate and increase his brain power. What does he choose to do? And what does my husband encourage? Command and Conquer. For all you non-nerd folk out there, that is a war game that works with strategy and using your thinker to blow crap up. Stimulating the brain? Sure. Encouraging blowing crap up? Yes.

Ladies and Gentleman, let me introduce you to our nightly education ritual:





Do you see the look on Brandon's face? That is a look of defeat. Isaac wanted to place a bomb or rocket or something in one place and Brandon said it wouldn't work. Isaac said,

"Hush Daddy. Watch."

And you know what? It worked. I have no doubt in my head that my son will be helping me with my college homework in a few years. Score!

A Photo To Make Up For My Lack Of Postings...

“Mom, this candy makes my eye move.”

I’m assuming this explains the sour face? It does not however explain the horrible lighting in which I take my photos. Sorry. Funny things happen when the sun goes down, folks. I am but the (horrible) messenger.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Happy Happy Fall!!!!

#%$&

There has been a lack of posting due to an over-abundance of random crap in my life.

Let me catch you up:

1. My family has fallen victim to H1N1. I think SWINE flu is a rather nice way of putting it. 'Swine' only makes it sound dirty. It should be called 'Dirty Nasty Wild Boar Who Rolled Around In It's Own...' - Oh. What? This is a family blog? Never mind then. Let's just say that it was BAD.

2. Isaac learned the phrase 'you little bastard'. Again, I know this is a family blog, but I'm not going to paint a false picture of my life. 'You little bastard' is something that came out of his mouth and I feel obligated to blog about it. Proud? No. Curious? Of course. (Yes, grandparents and concerned citizens....we have disciplined him. Don't report us.)

3. Booger wiping is an epidemic that is sweeping the nation. My son has fallen ill of this and I find him indiscreetly wiping his nasty little boogers all over my pretty little clean (bahahaha) house. When I catch him in the act, he innocently waves his hands in front of himself and says "Never mind me, mom." This cute little line is also used when he finds himself being a smartass and knows he is about to be in BIG trouble - example: "Uh, I'm trying to watch TV MOTHER. GET OUT OF MY WAY, er.....never mind me, mom."

4. I thought for a good month or so my son wanted to be a 'bonfire' for Halloween. I was like WTH?! A friggin' BONFIRE?! Yeaaaaaah.....Isaac was saying vampire. I think back at all the times I was discussing how we could make him into a bonfire and he would just shake his head. Makes total sense now. He thinks his mother is an idiot and didn't have the heart to tell her.

We did, in fact, go on vacation. I do have pictures. Later. Promise.

My Sidekick. My Partner-In-Crime. My....'Take A Retarded Picture With Mom' Buddy.

I'd like to tell you that this was just a quick random picture. I'd like to say 'Hey, check out the funny picture of us I snapped yesterday'. But..................

No, I made my poor son take like 75 pictures until I didn't look like I was on crack. I get so super excited to be taking pictures with him that I get this face. No words describe it. My eyebrows go 4 inches higher on my face than humanly possible and my eyes look like I'm....special.

This was only successful picture. We had to look mean...for we were about to go get the bad guys hiding on the porch. I had to cut Isaac a deal - you pose for ridiculous pictures, I'll be Robin to your Batman.

I got the better end of the deal. Now that I look at the picture more closely.....we look like a momma platypus and a baby platypus. And yes that is spelled right. I just googled it.

Don't Make Me Put A Hit Out On You.

No big deal. I was cooking dinner tonight (grilled cheese and soup in case you were wondering) and I overhear a conversation between Isaac................and...........a tealight.

Isaac: 'What did you say? What did you say to me?!'
Tealight: .......................
Isaac: 'Imma give you one more chance to talk. Then yer done.'
Tealight: ....................................
Isaac: 'I don't want to do this but you give me no choice.'

Now tell me......what am I supposed to do here?! Discipline him or pay him off for protection?

Grandmaster Matthew and Dirty Coin.

Sounds like a new rap group, right? Oh, no. This is the product of something much greater.

Uncle Matt and Isaac have.....bonded. If you could call it that. When my brother moved back to Winfield, he started insisting Isaac address him at 'Master Matthew'. Matt would act like he couldn't hear a word Isaac was saying until he was properly addressed. Eventually 'Master Matthew' just wasn't enough....it turned into 'Grandmaster Matthew'. It is so stinkin' cute hearing Isaac say it in normal conversation.

So one day, Isaac was in the bath playing with his little Army guys. He was talking in little voices when I heard him say, 'Get over here, Dirty Coin!'. Of course I KNEW this would make one hell of a blog story so I asked what he said.

Me: 'Isaac.....did you just say Dirty Coin?'
Isaac: 'Yes, mom. Grandmaster Matthew calls me that.'
Me: 'Uh......?'
Dirty Coin: 'It cracks me up everytime.'
Me: 'Uh......?'

Heck no, it doesn't stop there. And again, the big reveal happens in the bathtime. My son apparently does his best work naked.

Dirty Coin: 'Mom?'
Me: 'Yes?'
Dirty Coin: 'Uncle Mat-er, I mean, Grandmaster Matthew calls me Zachary Wayne Quagmire. I think that is SO funny.'
Me: 'Uh.........?'
Zachary Wayne Quagmire: 'I'm not Dirty Coin anymore. I still think it's funny, but I really don't know if it's nice or not. It's not a bad word, is it?'.
Me: 'Uh...........................?'
ZWQ: 'He is just so silly. He said he's going to take out my kneecaps. But I told him I would jab him in the throat with my light saber. I would win.'
Me: (are you seeing the trend?) 'Uh......yes.'

So my phone rings at work this week.

Me: 'This is Lindsey.'
Grandmaster Matthew: 'Isaac is no more.'
Me: 'Uh.....?'
Grandmaster Matthew: 'A greater man has taken his place. His name is Isaac Falcon, ZK. He doesn't really like it, but we need to keep calling him that. That is who he is now.'
Me: 'Uh.......okay. What exactly is it that I am calling him.....?'
Grandmaster Matthew: 'Gah, Lindsey. Zombie Killer? He's taken out like six of them in Dad's living room this afternoon.'
Me: 'I'm....so................................proud.'

Never, ever, in my life am I left speechless. My brother continues to amaze me. I just asked Isaac what else he would like to include about Uncle Matt.

"He's really a weirdo and I'm not kidding. I sure love him, I'm not kidding there either."

Dirty Feet.

My favorite things about Bluegrass:

1. John McCutcheon
2. Finally getting out my rope sandals and tie-dye
3. Watching crazy people
4. John McCutcheon
5. Tom Chapin
6. Long lost friends
7. Watching drunk crazy people
8. SO. MUCH. GOOD. MUSIC.
9. Taking pictures of drunk crazy people.
10. John..........Mc..........Cutcheon.


What a weekend! So many great pictures, so little blog space. I can't tell you how much fun it is being sober when so many around you are drunk. I met a man with a parrot. His shirt said 'Saucy Wenches Follow Me". Sadly, it made my day.

I was surrounded by amazing music and great people all weekend. The talent these musicians possess blows my mind. I was born without that gene entirely. My dad can pick up an instrument and just play. I grew up listening to hammer dulcimers, mountain dulcimers, guitars, and more recently mandolins. Keyword there is LISTENING. I can't carry a tune to save my life and I sure as hell couldn't play a darn thing on an instrument - he didn't pass his talent onto me. BUT...he passed on a great love and apprecation for it. Now Isaac? That boy will do something great in his life. Music and/or dancing will be involved. He griped and complained about going to Bluegrass, but as soon as we got down there it was like...."Dirt? Music? Food? Suh-weeeeet".

I have a small obsesssion with John McCutcheon (no, seriously?!) and was so happy to see him this year. I'm a total McCutcheon groupie. I could go into great detail as to why I heart him, but that's not what is important. The important thing is that I got this amazing picture that will be framed on my bedroom wall. Brandon has never understood my strange mind (insert insane laughter here) and my love for Bluegrass music and John McCutcheon just further fuels that. I have to stare at his camoflauge everywhere. He can stare at John:

The amazing Tom Chapin:



Walking into Pecan Grove:

There are all different kinds of camps in the grove. This was Isaac's favorite!

Hanging out with my boy on the midway (fooooooood!):

MOMMA!!!!

Halloween Hint

Can anyone guess what my sweet little boy will be for Halloween?

Little Moments....

While we try to teach our children all about life,

Our children teach us what life is all about.

2009 Music Video of the Year

Let me preface this by saying that I am singing and I am sorry. I know I am not Shania Twain although you wouldn’t know it by how I freely warble away in this video. When I started filming I didn’t know what an EPIC movie I was shooting. I thought my quiet little whisper of singing would be drowned out by my car stereo and The Zac Brown Band. Sadly, my mouth was DIRECTLY in front of the mic on my camera. What the hell, Zac Brown?! I blame you.

Isaac loves the song ‘Whatever It Is’ by the aforementioned group, The Zac Brown Band. He knows almost every word and it’s become ‘our’ song. I pulled up to my house Saturday night and had both the kids with me. I let them out of the car and let them play in the yard while I finished my jam session with Jason Aldean. The second ‘Whatever It Is’ came on, Isaac was ready to boogey. And I was ready with my camera. You are so welcome.





Okay, I know this one is long, but stick with it. Gracie does some interpretive dancing/tai kwon do at the end that is just amazing/hysterical/slightly scary.




And with September comes THE WALNUT VALLEY BLUEGRASS FESTIVAL!!!! I don’t give a hoot if you don’t listen to Bluegrass music, this festival is made for everyone. I remember sitting on my balcony in California and seeing the infamous “I Can’t – I’m Going To Winfield” bumper sticker. Our town’s population doubles and the energy of the fairgrounds is just soooo laid back. My mom and I were talking about it this weekend and she said it perfectly – it’s the spirit of Bluegrass that we love so much. There is no such thing as a stranger – everyone is your friend. The people are so eclectic and so is the music. Down one dirt road there is a hillbilly with a washboard and a banjo and right around the corner there is a jam session with mandolins, guitars, fiddles, etc.,. No one cares who you are or what you do. It’s a family. My brother and I drove through the grove the other night and it’s already packed. The festival is only 5 days long, but for two weeks before the festival there are thousands camping. And glory, glory, halleluiah – I get to be me! There is tie-dye everywhere! And I’m not the only one in rope sandals!!! Wooo!!!! And you bet your sweet little BUTT my kiddo is rocking the tie-dye too. He is totally in his element down there. So there may not be too much blogging going on this week. You can find me in the Grove =)




Those are the campers and tents at the Fairgrounds. The bottom of the picture is cut off, but that's Pecan Grove - where the REAL party is!!!

P.S. Thank you Brandon for working your butt off this weekend doing security so we could have free tickets. Isaac and I love you more than you will ever know. MUAH!!!!

Sniff, Sniff, Sob, Sob.

My sister sent me these videos she took years ago....and I just found them. Time flies when you are having fun...and wreaking havoc on society. You're welcome, Earth. He's all yours. And I know the second video is a broken file...you will have to put up with only seeing 1/2 second of his screaming until I can find the original one!

NOTE: Put clothes on our next kid.